


What Love Is

by ChElFi



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers Fest, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 11:25:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2307926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChElFi/pseuds/ChElFi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint can't help feeling he's become a liability to Natasha.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Love Is

**Author's Note:**

  * For [geckoholic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/geckoholic/gifts).



> OK, here is my entry for Avengers Fest. I hope it's everything *you* hoped. :)

Clint watched the scene play out in the window. It was the same as it had been dozens of times. There was nothing different, he kept trying to tell himself. But he knew he was lying. Everything was different.

It was December, Clint had been cleared by SHIELD psychiatrists in August after they were finally convinced that Loki's mind-control no longer had a hold on him. Their judgment hadn't made getting back into the field any easier. There were few agents willing to work with him, so he had settled back into the old pattern of working with Natasha.

Working with the Black Widow didn't bother Clint, it never had. From the beginning he had somehow known she was worthy of his trust, and she had never betrayed him. Now their roles were reversed, and yet, it was different.

As he watched her play her role downstairs in the dining room, he could forget that he was sitting in the trees, outside in the bitter December cold that even had affected Italy this year. He took comfort in knowing she worked of her own choice, that she was free to accept an assignment or not, that she could be what she wanted, these reminded him that he had, once in his life, made the right decision.

His sharp eyes watched now as she took the mark by the hand to lead him upstairs. It was a simple interrogation, she'd be out in less than an hour now. Clint allowed himself a slight grin at the knowledge that the poor sap had no idea what was really in store for him. Nobody touched Natasha the way her mark wanted to without her permission. It was one of the benefits of her freedom, one of the benefits of Clint freeing her.

There had been talk at SHIELD when Clint had first brought Natasha in that they were having an affair, but nothing could be further from the truth. Clint had never touched her to this day, not that he hadn't thought about it. Though, not at first. At first he was simply her protector, her advocate, but after a few years he began to realize that he was developing deeper feelings for her.

Natasha was sworn off love, however. Her mantra, "Love is for children," was engrained in Clint's mind. So he hid his feelings and contented himself with the knowledge that he had given her what no one else ever had, that he had done at least one good deed in his life by saving her and giving her freedom.

But now things were different. He couldn't deny that they had been since he'd awoke in restraints in the helicarrier all those months ago. Natasha was different. She seemed to think differently. And she acted differently, especially around him. He tried not to read into it. He tried to remind himself that she was one of the few who didn't avert their eyes when she passed him in the hall, or up and leave a table in the mess when he sat down. She had been beside him every step of his recovery, she had been _his_ protector and advocate.

She was in the upstairs bedroom now with the mark, who had his face buried in her hair and Clint had a clear view of Natasha's face. It was then he saw it again, the look he'd seen on their last two assignments. She glanced in his direction, or at least in the direction she suspected he'd be, and a shadow passed across her face. There was a tension that had never been there before.

Clint had tried to deny it the first time, but this was the third and there simply was no use anymore. She doubted him. She wasn't sure he'd be able to follow through, to back her up if needed. But she couldn't afford to have those feelings on assignments. A moment's hesitation could be the difference between success and discovery.

The mark turned to the window and laughed. He said something to Natasha in Italian and Natasha nodded almost shyly. The man walked over to the blinds and closed them.

Clint's throat was tight. Her mark had noticed Natasha's reaction to Clint's presence. If the man had suspected, even for a moment, that her hesitation had nothing to do with the open blinds, the tables could turn on her.

He waited as a million horrible scenarios played through his mind. Even though he heard Natasha begin her questioning after tranquilizing the man, Clint couldn't stop thinking that this could have turned out so horribly, and coming to the conclusion that he had become a liability to her. He could never live with himself if he was the cause of her slipping up and revealing something she shouldn't. He could never live with the possible consequences.

Natasha commented that she was finished and that she'd meet him at the rendezvous. Clint waited fifteen minutes before he climbed down out of the tree and made his way back to their hotel. His thoughts dragged him down the entire way.

She was waiting for him when he returned. Now, though, she was dressed in jeans and a loose fitting t-shirt instead of a snug "Iittle black dress." She smiled at him, but Clint could still see that doubt in her eyes.

It hurt. It was like a knife cutting through him. The thought that he had never doubted her for a moment threatened to make him bitter. But he couldn't hate her. He had loved her for far too long. It wasn't her fault. Loki's words had been true. He really had put into Clint's mind to kill Natasha just the way he'd threatened. Natasha had allowed herself to be too close, too open with someone, and if she hadn't bested him in the helicarrier, Clint would have done exactly as Loki had promised.

He went to the closet to pull out his small suitcase, then began to fill it with the clothes hanging there.

"Clint?" Natasha's voice broke into his negative thoughts but he didn't respond.

He walked over to the dresser and began to pack those clothes as well.

"Clint!" Natasha got up and walked over to him.

She forced him to look at her.

"What are you doing?"

Clint swallowed and smiled a sad smile at her.

"I can't let what happened tonight happen again," he said.

She shook her head at him to indicate she didn't know what he was talking about.

"The way you feel," he paused, he didn't want to make his words accusatory, it wasn't Natasha's fault, after all.

Taking a fortifying breath, he continued.

"The doubts you have about me, make me a liability to you," he said.

Her face registered surprise and Clint allowed himself an internal wry chuckle. How could she think he wouldn't notice? He knew her better than anyone. He was as much an expert in all things Natasha Romanov as one could be. He'd just wanted her to know that she was worth that, worth someone getting to know all the small things about her, her favorite color, her favorite food, her favorite clothing. Clint knew everything, how could she think she could hide something like this from him?

"I don't," she started, but Clint cut her off with a finger on her lips.

"It's OK," he said. "I don't need you to try to make me feel better. I understand and I'll talk with Sitwell or Hill when I get back to the states. They can assign me somewhere else."

He turned away from her to continue packing. She stood and silently watched him. Clint could feel the tension rolling off his partner, no, ex-partner. He tried to find something to say to help her not feel guilty. That wasn't his intention, he only wanted her to be safe, and she couldn't be if she doubted him.

His bag was packed, now, and he realized that all that was left really was "goodbye." By the time she returned to the states, Clint hoped he'd be off on another assignment. Maybe some time away from him, without having to see him in the halls at SHIELD every day, would help her.

Lifting the bag, he looked at her. He was going to say something brotherly, offer her some sort of pithy advice for her future, but he was stopped short by the moisture brimming in her eyes.

Clint opened his mouth, but no words would come. He had never seen Natasha cry, though he knew she was capable. He realized this must be because she felt guilty for her feelings when he had never doubter her. So he placed a hand on her shoulder and sought to relieve her of that.

"Natasha, it's not your fault," he assured her. "I can't blame you for how you feel, for doubting me. What happened, well, what could have happened, was horrible. I still have nightmares about it."

She swallowed and looked as if she might say something, but she only shook her head. They stood staring at each other for several minutes before Clint realized he should go and leave her. He lowered his hand slowly, then stepped past her to go out the door.

"Clint, stop!"

His hand was on the doorknob. He took a deep breath and turned to look at Natasha. He had to find some way to convince her that this really was for her good.

"It's not that," she said, and Clint furrowed his eyebrows.

"I," she started but then stopped and appeared to be trying to organize her thoughts.

Clint waited, though he couldn't think of anything that would make him change his mind now. His first priority was to Natasha's well-being. He had saved her from a life of misery, of enslavement, and he owed it to her to allow her some happiness and peace.

"I don't doubt you at all, Clint," she tried to explain, but Clint just shook his head. He knew better.

"STOP IT!" She surprised Clint by yelling. Natasha was never one to lose control like this, it made Clint feel even worse.

"Will you just stop being an ass and listen to me?" she said.

Clint lowered his hand and turned to face her as he set down his suitcase. He owed her at least this. So he waited for whatever words she thought might change his mind.

"I love you," she said.

He stared at her for a moment, his mouth involuntarily falling slightly open.

"What?" he whispered after several minutes passed and he finally convinced himself she'd actually said those words.

"I said, 'I love you,' you deaf idiot," she said.

If anyone else had called him that, he'd have taken it personally, and the other person would have taken a fall. But Natasha, he knew, was using it to make a point.

"I don't understand," he finally said, his voice rough with more emotion than he'd ever felt.

"Really," she smirked. "You don't understand those words?"

"I don't understand why you are saying them," he replied, and suddenly a million hopes he didn't even know he had leapt to the front of his mind.

She smiled at him, a smile he'd never seen on her face. It was beautiful and it made her look lovelier than ever. Clint clenched and unclenched his hands as he fought the urge to walk over to her and take her in his arms.

"I didn't know before," she said. "Before Loki took you."

She paused, and Clint thought he would give her a million years of his time if that's how long it took her to explain. He was in no hurry for this moment to end.

"I have never felt this way about anyone," she continued, her gaze holding his own.

"But after everything was over, I realized that Loki, of all people, had called it."

She chuckled sardonically at the thought.

"I think I've loved you for a long time," she told him.

He stared at her for a few more minutes before he asked the first question that came to mind.

"Then why are you so tense when you are on an assignment with me?"

She started to laugh and the smile on her face was warm. Clint wanted to hope for just one moment that he alone made her smile like that.

"I don't want you to see me with another man, even if it's just acting," she explained.

She dropped her gaze to the floor now and Clint took a breath and then the two steps toward her to lift her face to look at him.

"I can't stop thinking that I wish it was you instead," she said softly.

He was close to her now, so close. He could see the look in her eyes that he'd misinterpreted for months. Only it wasn't doubt of him, but of her feelings.

Her tongue darted out of her mouth to wet her lips as her gaze left his eyes. Clint felt his hand start to tremble as his own tongue wet his lips and he slowly leaned down to press his to hers.

He brushed them slowly across hers at first. Unexpectedly, Natasha grabbed at the collar of his jacket and pulled him up against her, deepening the kiss as she did so. She slid her hands up around his neck and held him tightly, as if she would prevent him from getting away from her.

She pulled him with her toward the bed, then began to unbutton his coat. Clint grabbed her hands.

"Natasha," he said. "You don't have to do this."

She slowly continued to remove his coat, the look in her eyes telling him that this was exactly what she wanted, but he had to hear it from her.

"I love you," he told her. "You don't have anything to prove to me."

She smiled at him again, the same smile she'd had earlier, and it did things to Clint that none of her seductive looks ever could.

"I know," she said. "But I want this."

She pulled his face to hers and kissed him gently once.

"This is my choice," she said.

Clint smiled at her and allowed her to lead him to the bed.


End file.
